So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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