About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
