While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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