I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
false alarm. still invincible.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
