My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..