U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
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Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
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I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!