I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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