Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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