Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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