Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.