I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
