apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
