I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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