I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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