Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
