You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins