I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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