My balls are so social today.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
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Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
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He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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