that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
