Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".