Pappa wants mamma naked
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
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please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
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Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.