3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome