Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
