im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
