I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
