If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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