We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
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they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
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Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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