If i come over, it means nothing
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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