I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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