i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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