nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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