Old men and throwing up are my life now.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
