can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
