every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
