so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
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I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
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I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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