at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
