Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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