Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.