How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
