Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
