I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
