I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
