Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
and she was petting her beer can
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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