dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
