So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
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I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
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I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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