Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
