Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
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I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
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If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.