On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
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