If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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