remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
