White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
