Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
