i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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